Hello loyal readers!
<chirp. chirp chirp.>
For the handful of people who read this blog (Hi Mom!), I’m doing something wild and crazy for October.
BlogHer is celebrating? hosting? sponsoring? advocating? NaBloPoMo for October 2012. Don’t worry, I had to google what that meant too. (answer: National Blog Posting Month). Apparently it’s this fancy blogger activity where you pledge to write one post every day for the month of October. That thirty-one posts, folks. Thankfully, mini posts are allowed, and since I have three excellent photo subjects, you should expect to see several photo posts.
To be completely honest, as soon as I signed up on the blogroll, I immediately regretted it. What if it’s too much? What if I forget to post? What if I get way to into posting? “They’re all going to laugh at youuuuuu!” (Bonus points if you can remember who said that.)
And naturally, the topic for NaBloPoMo is “MASK”. Meaning, take off that mask. Which, terrifies me even more, because isn’t that what the internet is all about? Being able to talk and say what you’re thinking and feeling without having to form the words in your mouth?
Here goes nothing….
Oh I’m sorry? Didn’t I JUST birth a 7lb 14oz baby? or was that TWELVE (12!!) weeks ago? Apparently it is the latter, because I returned to work on Monday the 24th!
I had a fair amount of anxiety in the days leading up to the return. Not about returning to WORK, but about leaving her and knowing we would have to adjust to a new schedule. That and saying goodbye to mid afternoon naps.
All in all, the work part of the day was a success. On the extra A+ side, my super office lockdown consisting of a locked door, “Meeting in session” sign, and closed blinds allow me to pump in peace! Towards the end of the day, I could feel my heart bursting with excitement to see Vivi. She was a little cranky when I picked her up from Grandma L’s house, and it melted my heart to know that a little comforting from me quieted her right down. It was rough to only have about an hour and a half to play and dance with her before her bedtime, but we made the most of it, and I tried to soak up every minute.
But, as everyone told me it would, the mommy guilt starts. So far, it is focused on how well I have adjusted so far. Granted, it has only been 2 days, but I haven’t cried at all since I returned. I shed a few tears Sunday night, but not a drop on Monday morning or this morning. Part of me thinks that’s good! No seperation anxiety! Good adjustment for all! But the Mom part of me says “OMG YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MOTHER! You need to want to be with your baby all the time every single second of the day!” It’s hard to admit this, but I do need to work. I do need adult interaction and intellectual stimulation. I want to feel the need to snatch Vivi up as soon as I walk in the door, instead of handing her off to Bob when he returns from work.
It will break my heart to miss some of her “firsts”, but I couldn’t be happier that her Grandparents will be the ones to relay that news to us. I hope to learn to acknowledge and confront these feelings and realize that needing my job will make me a rockin’ Mom.
Bob and Luke are teaching Vivian all about being a Giants fan
…cause a Holleran Wedding don’t stop!
Bill and Christi got married on Saturday September 15, 2012 in Penfield, New York!!
The second most exciting thing that happened, after the marriage (of course!) was seeing Aunt Maureen looking beautiful and so happy! As many of you know, Maureen suffered a stroke about a month ago, and is recovering beautifully!
While we were doing this:
Viv was doing this:
I love my baby girl. I don’t think there is any doubt about that. But up until recently, the biggest joy I have had was seeing how much her family and friends love her. Watching Bob’s face light up when she smiles at him. Laughing with her Great Grandma Gregaydis and GG and Pop Pop when they coo and laugh with Vivian. Knowing that her Grandma will share with Viv her love of cooking and family. Seeing how she heals sorrow with my parents. Knowing her cousins will teach her how to walk and talk and learn how to beat Mario Kart. And watching my friend’s children be so attentive to her, and knowing how wonderful big brothers and sisters they will be.
Although it is hard to admit, it has been an adjustment becoming a Mom. Sure, some would say I became a Mom when I became pregnant. Certainly when I held Vivian in my arms for the first time. But that deep, lasting love was gradual. Building day by day.
The past few days that Love has built and built and built higher and faster than I ever thought possible.
Today, it hit me light a ton of bricks. We ran errands all morning, and came home when Vivian was tired and cranky for a nap. Feeling sleepy myself, I nursed her in bed. It is incomprehensible how wonderful it is to have a person you helped create fall asleep at your breast. Knowing that the chubby legs and double chin grew from the milk your body made especially for her. As I dozed, I couldn’t bring myself to put her in the crib. So, we snuggled. There she was, curled up on her side, sitting face to face, with her arm resting on my elbow.
I wish I could convey to her how much those few hours meant to me. How in those moments, watching her sigh and smile in her sleep, she made me her Mom. Forever.
Michael Jackson is the evening cure-all to Baby crankiness. The Four Seasons or Pitbull will also do.