Oh I’m sorry? Didn’t I JUST birth a 7lb 14oz baby? or was that TWELVE (12!!) weeks ago? Apparently it is the latter, because I returned to work on Monday the 24th!
I had a fair amount of anxiety in the days leading up to the return. Not about returning to WORK, but about leaving her and knowing we would have to adjust to a new schedule. That and saying goodbye to mid afternoon naps.
All in all, the work part of the day was a success. On the extra A+ side, my super office lockdown consisting of a locked door, “Meeting in session” sign, and closed blinds allow me to pump in peace! Towards the end of the day, I could feel my heart bursting with excitement to see Vivi. She was a little cranky when I picked her up from Grandma L’s house, and it melted my heart to know that a little comforting from me quieted her right down. It was rough to only have about an hour and a half to play and dance with her before her bedtime, but we made the most of it, and I tried to soak up every minute.
But, as everyone told me it would, the mommy guilt starts. So far, it is focused on how well I have adjusted so far. Granted, it has only been 2 days, but I haven’t cried at all since I returned. I shed a few tears Sunday night, but not a drop on Monday morning or this morning. Part of me thinks that’s good! No seperation anxiety! Good adjustment for all! But the Mom part of me says “OMG YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MOTHER! You need to want to be with your baby all the time every single second of the day!” It’s hard to admit this, but I do need to work. I do need adult interaction and intellectual stimulation. I want to feel the need to snatch Vivi up as soon as I walk in the door, instead of handing her off to Bob when he returns from work.
It will break my heart to miss some of her “firsts”, but I couldn’t be happier that her Grandparents will be the ones to relay that news to us. I hope to learn to acknowledge and confront these feelings and realize that needing my job will make me a rockin’ Mom.