I am not where I want to be. I struggle some days, and have to take several moments to keep the anxiety from washing me away. I have trouble getting up in the morning, and am equally grateful and frustrated when Viv wakes up at 5:30, forcing me to face the day.
I can see the Man struggles with me. I have always been quick tempered, but now I can feel myself icing over. I don’t hear him when he talks. I am sarcastic, hurtful, ungrateful. But he loves me anyway.
Last night, Vivian was having trouble getting to sleep. I nursed her, and got her settled. When I came downstairs, and saw she was rustling again in her crib, I said to the Man “you’re up next. I don’t have any milk left. I don’t have anything left to offer her.” And with the most serious expression, he said, “You have more to offer her than just milk.”
It took some time for that to sink in. I have more to offer. I can be a better wife, mother, and person. Instead of thinking about the bad days, and the panic, and the hopelessness, I will remind myself of the captured moments of happiness and bliss.
I will come through. One good day at a time.