Focusing on the good

I am not where I want to be.  I struggle some days, and have to take several moments to keep the anxiety from washing me away. I have trouble getting up in the morning, and am equally grateful and frustrated when Viv wakes up at 5:30, forcing me to face the day.

I can see the Man struggles with me. I have always been quick tempered, but now I can feel myself icing over. I don’t hear him when he talks. I am sarcastic, hurtful, ungrateful. But he loves me anyway.

Last night, Vivian was having trouble getting to sleep.  I nursed her, and got her settled.  When I came downstairs, and saw she was rustling again in her crib, I said to the Man “you’re up next. I don’t have any milk left. I don’t have anything left to offer her.”  And with the most serious expression, he said, “You have more to offer her than just milk.”

It took some time for that to sink in.  I have more to offer.  I can be a better wife, mother, and person. Instead of thinking about the bad days, and the panic, and the hopelessness, I will remind myself of the captured moments of happiness and bliss.

I will come through.  One good day at a time.

 

(Just Write)

14 thoughts on “Focusing on the good

  1. Sending you all kinds of warm fuzzies! Anxiety is so hard to deal with! But the man is right. you have a lot to offer! I feel your pain. I don’t have a baby, but I do have a soul-crushing office-drone job. I dread getting up in the morning and can’t wait for 5. I feel like I’m “wishing” my life away in a sense. All I want is for all of that time to pass immediately. You’ve got anxiety, I’ve got mild depression. Hang in there, lady! We’ll all get through it, one day at a time!

  2. Hang in there, Lainey! Better times will come. I have a privilege to stay at home with my 11-months old and every morning I thank God for not needing to get up for work. On the other hand I’ve been thinking that I should find a job… however, after reading your post, I think it’s okay like this for a little while more.

  3. Those nights can be so long. I remember them well. I can feel your distress feeling that you have nothing left to offer your baby. I love your husband’s reply. You DO have so much more to offer. I use to want to slap people when they would tell me how fast this time would go. Slap me………but they were right. I blinked and he is bigger than me. I blinked again and his brothers grew as well. I still feel like it is hard to give them what they need but hang in for the ride. Sometimes just “showing” up to be Mom is what they need.

  4. Sending big squishy huggles and bucket loads of tea! Anxiety is a horrible thing to deal with, I’ve seen first hand how awful it can be. But please keep in mind what your man said…you do have more to offer!

    So much more!

    • Hugs and tea received! my favorite part of cold cold winter nights is sitting under blankets with a huge mug of tea (although that’s probably blasphemy to you! but hey, I’m a relatively new tea-drinker :)

  5. Boy, I can remember those early days. You do feel like you’ve given everything you have and everything you are and there is just nothing left.

    Hang in there – it gets easier. And it sounds like you’ve already got the attitude shift in motion to help you make the most of the tough time now.

    • Truth be told, going back to work has helped. Unfortunately, that makes me feel tremendously guilty. Just keeping my eyes on the prize!

  6. Well, that’s a tough one. I completely sympathise and understand. The important thing to know is there are days like this and days like this must happen and then there will be another day. Hang in there, the new mom stage moves on pretty quickly. Much sympathy and care to you. :)

    • When I’m in the midst of it, it’s so so hard to pull myself out. Sometimes the spells last a few days. But yesterday and today have been great. This weekend I have plans with friends. I’m just working on having more good days than not-so-good days.

  7. Lainey- you, my dear, are a superstar mom. You have the world to offer to your new family and you are amazing! It’s hard to balance everything at times I’m sure- but it’s all worth it. And I try to remind myself that the glass is always half full- not half empty. But remember to take some time for yourself every now and then- you deserve it. Xo

    • Thanks hun! and when you say “time for yourself” and “glass half full”, does that mean me and you and Melissa with a half full glass of wine (because we drank the other half?) (and when I say glass, I mean bottle!)

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